Only joking...

 

Two elderly pensioners go out for a game of golf. With a very shaky hand, Bert places his ball on top of the tee, lines himself up, swings, and fires a superb shot down the fairway. "That was a great shot," said Alf.

Bert smiles, and explains that while he may be 92 years old, he can still hit a decent shot. However, as you would expect for a man of his age, he doesn’t have all his faculties, and his vision isn’t what it once was, so he has absolutely no idea of where his ball went.　

"That’s alright Bert," said Alf. "I am 94 and I don’t have all my faculties either. But what I do still have is absolutely perfect 20-20 vision. I saw exactly where your ball went."　

"Fantastic!" Said Bert. "Where did it go?"　

"Ah," said Alf. "I can’t remember!"

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A boy comes home from school one day, and tells his dad he has to do some homework; he has to write an essay about the difference between ‘theory’ and ‘reality’, but doesn’t understand what they mean.　

His dad offers to help. "Go and ask your mother if she will sleep with the postman for £1 million," he said. So the boy does, and tells his dad that yes, his mum would sleep with the postman for £1 million. His dad then tells him to ask his sister the same question, which he does. She says that yes, she, too, would sleep with the plumber for £1 million.　

"There you go," says the father. "The difference between theory and reality. In theory, we’re sitting on £2 million. In reality, we’re living with a pair of slappers."

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A man is in a bar and spots a beautiful woman standing a few feet away. Suddenly she sneezes, and to her amazement, a glass eye pops out and rolls along the bar. He scoops it up in his hand, walks over to her, and discreetly hands it to her. "I don’t think anyone else saw this come out," he said. She was very embarrassed, and very grateful, and offered to buy him a drink.　

They start chatting, one drink becomes two and so on. She keeps telling him how grateful she was for his quick actions, and how he spared her blushes. So much so, that she asks him to go to dinner with her. Which he does. Before he knows it, he is escorting her back to her hotel. She invites him in, and spends hours pleasuring him in every way he can imagine.　

He woke up alone in the hotel bedroom - but not for long. The woman entered the room carrying a tray laden with a full breakfast. The man is totally overwhelmed. "Wow," he said. "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"　

The woman smiled, shook her head, and said, "no, you just happened to catch my eye!"

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One day, a rabbit hops happily into a butcher’s shop and says "Good morning, I would like a pound of carrots please." The butcher politely explains that he does not sell carrots, and the rabbit says "OK, sorry. Bye" and hops out. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers. "Hello, a pound of carrots please." Again the butcher explains that he does not sell carrots, and suggests that the rabbit tries the fruit and veg shop next door. "OK, thank you," said the rabbit. The next day, the rabbit returns to the butchers and again asks for a pound of carrots. "Look," says the butcher, "I have told you before, we are a butcher shop and sell meat and meat products, not fruit and veg. If you want carrots, go next door."

But the following day, the rabbit once again goes into the butchers, and cheerfully asks for a pound of carrots. But the butcher’s patience has reached its limit. He reaches across the counter and grabs the rabbit by its ears. "Look here," he said, "I have had enough of you. If you come in here one more time and ask for a pound of carrots, I will nail these bloody ears of yours to the counter!" Somewhat shaken, the rabbit slowly retreats from the store.

But the next day, he returns, somewhat sheepishly. He approaches the counter and says solemnly, "excuse me, do you have any nails?" which catches the butcher off guard.

"No," he said, "I don’t have any nails." The rabbit then smiled and said cheerfully, "excellent, in that case, I’d like a pound of carrots please."

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Two fleas met on a beach one summer; one of them had a terrible cold, explaining that he had spent all winter on the moustache of a man on a motorbike. His friend berates him, and suggests that, at the end of the summer, he goes to Heathrow Airport, loiters in the hostesses toilet and, when one of them sits down, hops aboard for a lovely ride to sunnier, warmer, climes.

A year later, the two fleas meet again and, once again, one of them has a terrible cold. "So much for your advice," he said. "I did what you said; I went to Heathrow, waited to hitch a ride with a hostess and it was lovely. It was so warm and cosy that I fell into a very deep sleep....and woke up on the moustache of a man on a motorbike!"